my sickle cell disease

Sickle cell anemia: a malformation of red blood cells that leads to anemia due to a mutation in the hemoglobin proteins carried by the blood cells. This mutation arises from a single substitution in the beta chains 6th position for valine, rather than glutamic acid. Substitution of a single amino acid causes improper folding of the protein and also reduces the net charge of the protein.

People that inherit the genes for both normal hemoglobin and sickle cell hemoglobin, termed heterozygous sickle trait for you genetics buffs, have a beneficial adaptation. The mutation is expressed codominantly, meaning both types of hemoglobin and red blood cells are present in their blood. From first assumption, you would think this would not be beneficial for the individual, but it turns out someone with sickle trait has a reduced risk for contracting malaria, one of the worlds biggest parasite killers (Plasmodium sp. to be exact ;)

Writing a lab paper about an experiment on hemoglobin, i started thinking about adaptations that we make in ourselves that if too expressed, are lethal, but in small doses can be beneficial for our survival in this dog eat dog world.

le matin

dans le matin, les choses invisibles ne seront pas connus.
la rosée scintillent, brille à nouveau comme une boisson de desir.
si tu veux, si tu peux, je donnerai le secret de ce que j'ai bu.

dans le soir, la nuit noire
nos reves tombent comme des etoiles

universal gravitational constant

i love to marvel at science: mathematics, molecular interactions, genetic mutations leading to devastation or selection.

recently i have been overly frustrated with physics, thinking it seems so useless for application to my everyday life. Today while in class Dr. Hanneken proved me wrong. What started as a simple conversation about golfballs on the moon (apparently a titleist brand... fyi) began to turn some circuits in my brain.

G= the universal gravitational constant, a constant between all particles in the universe as we know it no matter how far apart, a constant that is constantly attempted to be disproven by physicists. However, the uncertainty in the numbers of measurement always overlaps, and so it cannont be disproven as a constant. i understand a slight background in calculations and sig. figs. is needed to "get" that but basically it means we can't certainly say it is not always constant over the hundreds of years we have been trying to prove so, so either it is constant, or its changing soooooooooooooo slowly we cant measure it. IF this is constant, our universe will expand infinitely, IF it is not, it will eventually implode upon itself.

back to what this has to do with life, since not everyone is a science geek...

What kind of "gravitational constants" do we have in life everyday that we don't question, or can't disprove? that act on every part of us emotionally, physically, spiritually. do the experiences we draw from produce overlapping results, leaving us still in the gray area with too much uncertainty. Are the constants we depend on for our understanding of life really constant? or are they changing so slowly that we just dont see it. will they eventually cause a great implosion into ourselves?

Here is a list of constants i have come to rely on:

-physics is too hard for me (this is currently a biggie...)
-i will always fail at things i think are too hard for me (ahem... physics...)
-I am strong enough to deal with everything that is put in front of me. its called survival instinct.
-i will always disappoint myself (no matter how "perfect" i ever become)
-people will always disappoint me (no matter how often i hope they wont)
*note* these last two sound depressing but i actually find them liberating. once you can accept that these are true, you find it easier to cope with the occurrence of them in life.
-life will never turn out EXACTLY the way you plan. EVER.
-life is short. instead of spending it dying, we should spend it living. i know, i know, cliche... but it is true.
-when you think you know everything, you have just proven you know nothing. trust me. i try to disprove this all the time and i think i'm done.
-no matter how "open-minded" we are, there is still a lot of closed parts of our minds. its called the way your brain is wired to learn from experiences, and it will always cloud your thoughts about everything.


Here are some i have been working to disprove:

-"Real" friends are ALWAYS there for you. Always is a strong word, and dangerous to use. i have real friends and i have found that even the "realest" of friends have failed me in major times of need and sorrow. all humans will disappoint you all the time. BUT they will also amaze you all the time. this is not a constant. friendships are always changing and evolving. sometimes they implode, sometimes they expand forever.
-I am not _____ (insert any adjective) enough. these are NOT constants.
-Life cannot always be romantic. i REFUSE to believe this is constant. romance is not just a cute boy giving you flowers (like my handsome husband :) . Romance is passion, love, joy, enthusiasm, adventure, art, music, language, science even! i believe it IS possible to make romance a constant, not its absence.

That's just a few that flow off the top of my head...

all that just to say: constants, especially of the gravitational kind, should always be challenged, even if we keep ending up with overlapping uncertainties.

regardless of how much people hate science, we do it every day.

a note to leave you with:

if two objects are apart from each other, they exert some form of a gravitational force on each other. this force is always attractive. EVEN if one is matter, and one is anti-matter.

oh the places i could apply that to real life............ ;p

science of the heart :
Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasin' pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere
Or would it be a waste
Even if I knew my place
Should I leave it there
Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasin' pavements
Even if it leads nowhere

If only

If only life worked like cation exchange chromatography. We could throw all of these thoughts, opinions, emotions into ourselves, and sort them by their positivity.

holding onto the positive things longer than the negative, pushing the negative out quickly and efficiently, rejecting interaction with it; sometimes i'm amazed by the parallels of scientific life and non-scientific life... amazed.

In The Beginning......

.... the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters.


I am without form, void, and darkness is upon the depths of my heart.

I am waiting for God to move... into my lungs, my heart, the blood in my veins, along the membranes of the tiny cells that compose my body, my soul.

This year has been a year of constant fighting against changes of certain sorts, toward changes of other sorts. In the last few months i have had to more deeply think about what it is i want out of life, about not just the me that i am, but the void part, the part without form. And after a long look....

i dont even recognize myself.

i used to live life moment to moment.... didn't i?
i used to laugh intensely every day.... right?
i used to see my reflection, and see beauty.... i think....

but digging deep, i see that i never did see me. The face of my deep is formless and void. Like a black hole in the center of a sparkling galaxy. I looked and looked at all of the creation, the shooting stars, the burning suns, the revolving solar systems, the meteors destroying, the light creating, the planets spinning in order, their revolutions giving me a sense of meaning... but i forgot the center of it all, the place from where i stood and marveled at all of this within my body (made up so carefully of all of its unfathomable parts and systems), my soul.

So when i was forced to see my galaxies crashing down around me, planets running ary, suns burning out, tides turning, stars exploding: i was forced to turn to the center, the face of the deep.

This is my journey to discover what lies behind the void.

For so long i have been waiting for my real life to begin.

so.......

In the Beginning, God said let there be light, and there was light!